We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more extreme nacho flavor than a peasant in the 1400s would get in his whole lifetime.
— Matt Crowley (@MatthewPCrowley) July 14, 2015
If anybody in America came out of a Y2K bunker right now, they’d be like, “It’s so much worse than we thought…”
— Jesse Neil (@JTrainNeil) July 21, 2016
If racist white people didn’t want black people in this country, maybe they shouldn’t have kidnapped us & forced us to come here.
— Jasmine Pierce (@jasminecomedy) July 21, 2016
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) April 13, 2013
“This generation can’t take a joke”
Our entire generation laughs at fucking internet memes all day long we just don’t like racist jokes
— #1 soy lvr (@ahoybailey) August 22, 2015
If the oldest person on earth is 116 years old then that means 117 years ago there was an entirely different set of humans on earth.
— Sam. (@samanthaageee) October 25, 2015
It’s weird to think people who are 6ft are only 6 subways long
— Jerome Billingham (@Jeromebilll) May 7, 2016
The moral of Beauty and the Beast is that looks don’t matter, as long as you’re a man.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 27, 2015
So weird to think the Queen has taken hundreds of shits in a palace
— Josh Weller (@joshweller) June 11, 2015
Cherish each and every day, because you never know when someone with your exact same name will become super famous and ruin your life.
— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) May 6, 2016
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me: “bad friday”
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) March 24, 2016
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016
you can fuck a wokeboy but can’t woke a fuckboy
— Sara SchaefHER (@saraschaefer1) May 5, 2016
Neck tattoos are like self-imposed hickeys
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 6, 2016
I have the power to transform a militia into a terrorist group just by joining it wow
— Broti Gupta (@BrotiGupta) January 3, 2016
twitter dot com, where people think they’re brands and brands think they’re people
— Tess Rinearson (@_tessr) August 26, 2015