THOUGHT EXPERIMENT: text a casual acquaintance you’re sick of the lies
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 17, 2016
a thing you might consider is: next time you’re at the movies and there’s a sex scene, ask aloud (REAL loud) “ARE Y’ALL GETTIN BONERS”
— Lucas Gardner (@Lucas_Gardner) November 19, 2012
Next time you overhear someone complaining to a barista at Starbucks, I dare you to lean in and whisper-sing IT’S A VERY VERY … MAD WORLD.
— Daniel Hiddleswift (@kibblesmith) July 14, 2016
Next time you’re buying something, hand the cashier your item and say, “I thought about it, and I decided not to steal this”
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) March 18, 2016
Next time you’re getting a teeth cleaning, reach up and gently caress the dentist’s face to let him know he’s doing a good job.
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) May 2, 2014
Next time you see a young child acting out in public, ask the parents if it’s a rescue.
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) April 27, 2016
Next time you have sex see how many lyrics from Rocket Man you can sneak in before they notice.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 21, 2015
The funniest thing you could do with a suicide note is pick a random person out from Twitter and just blame everything on them
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) August 14, 2016
Next time you’re at a diner, why not ask for your eggs “funny side up” so the waiter knows you have a great sense of humor
— Brian Murphy (@chmurph) November 6, 2013
If you work on a morning talk show I dare you to replace the host’s coffee with a mug of soy sauce.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 10, 2013
GUYS: Next time you’re at a men’s room urinal with dividers, whisper to the dude next to you: “I can’t see it, but it sounds SPECTACULAR!”
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 13, 2016